They say there are few certainties in life. Not true.

Your mom is always right about how special you are, your dad is always right about a guy’s intention, and you can’t trust someone who doesn’t drink coffee. Europeans are condescending. No one is interested in hearing about your dream last night unless there is sex involved. No one will admit to being a fan of Train, but most people will sing along to it alone in their car. People who wear sunglasses indoors have low self-esteem. Automatic spell check on text messages has made it impossible to know how smart someone is. We don’t want to know how often you fantasize about Megan Fox, and you don’t want to know how often we fake it with you, so let’s just keep lying. Being defensive has never convinced someone of your point, and yet we keep doing it. No one is immune to criticism from others. Except Kanye West. The only people who should be allowed to procreate are the ones who refuse to be on facebook. I realize I won’t be one of those people. Whenever someone comes clean to you about something, you are still only getting two thirds of the real story. Any guy who lets you gossip and watch reality tv without judging you is marriage material. If you don’t demand the best for yourself, no one will freely offer it up. You should only be with someone who tells you they are crazy about you. Those are the exact words they need to use. If they aren’t crazy about you, there is better out there. Anyone who starts laughing while they’re crying is someone worth knowing. The idea of criticizing someone’s taste in music is like blaming them for blushing at a compliment. We can’t help what makes us feel feelings. If you’re going to lie about your age, you should round up so that people say you look great for your age. Don’t be embarrassed when someone runs into you while buying toilet paper. Be embarrassed when someone runs into you while buying cold sore cream. When you asks someone what’s happening with them lately, the topic they choose to start with will tell you a lot about who they are. Family, work, relationships, or gossip. Guys don’t need to be good looking, they just need to be really good at something. Contrary to what guys think, the reason for us not liking another girl isn’t usually jealousy. We see past their boobs in a way that you can’t. People who remember names are worth knowing. Everyone wants to have a song written about them. It’s why we have a weakness for musicians. Everyone looks good in blue. Be nice to your grandparents, even if they’re a little racist and hate tattoos. It’s not really their fault. When a guy says you should embrace your natural hair color, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about and you should keep going to the salon. People who say they like all music except for country, have clearly just not listened to the right country songs. Someone with an iphone can learn to love someone with a blackberry. People with the droid don’t deserve to be loved. When someone rejects you, just know that they’re scooting you towards the person you are meant to be with. We should all be more like people who play instruments. If you say you like to read, be prepared to list two books you enjoyed. If you are worried that everyone thinks you are fat, you should know that people don’t think about you that often. As soon as you tell your friend how much you hated their ex, they will get back together with them. No one wants to be Miranda. Not everyone has a type; I have an equal crush on Matt Damon, Justin Bieber, and Gerard Way, all for different reasons. Anyone who says they love being single is lonely. Anyone who says they’re lonely is looking for a blow job. I miss my computer saying “You’ve Got Mail”. Girls don’t understand how guys can happily sleep on their backs. No one’s favorite color is yellow. If you’re a girl and you don’t want to learn how to cook, you better be really good at other things. I’m referring to sex, people. It’s okay to disagree with Chris Brown’s choices, but still think he’s a really good dancer. Everyone looks ridiculous when they’re naked except for socks. Never ever smell your armpit in public.