When someone gives you advice it’s coming from their knowledge on the subject. And their knowledge on the subject is based on their own experiences with people, relationships, a fork in the road etc. But when someone stops you in the middle of your breakdown and says, “Well this is what I think about it… I know a lot about this.. I know what you should do..”, you want to believe that they have the answer. You feel like maybe they have some kind of inside track to the right thing to do that will make you happy in the end. The pressure is off on having to deal with it on your own now. But we forget that there is no inside track. Whatever a person tells you about your predicament is probably going to be what they would do in the situation, and that’s not necessarily what’s right for you. Giving someone advice based solely on your own removed experience from the current situation is dangerous. Because you mean well. Your intentions are to help. But you’re still fighting your own battle. The more passionate you become about this person’s plight, the more it becomes you talking about your own struggle.

“Listen, long distant relationships just don’t work.”- Well her’s clearly didn’t work. Now apparently none of them will ever under any circumstances.

“Every guy cheats.”- I’ve definitely been guilty of saying this. But mostly because I’ve been cheated on. It might seem like often this is true, but never say never and never say every guy. Someone who’s saying this is specifically referring to her ex-boyfriends and hoping that yours does too so that it really is every guy and not just the ones who she has been with.

Taking advice from girls about guys is amazing. We think we know what we’re talking about, but we don’t. We expect guys to respond to something the way that we would. We break down every detail of what he is thinking and the motivation behind every decision he has made. It all has to make sense to us. If you got dumped, then he wasn’t ready to appreciate someone so wonderful. If he’s being aloof and mysterious, he’s just wanting you to guide him and show him how to love someone and receive love. So, he needs a mom basically. We can tell you how to be the best mom possible to your boyfriend.

Ya know, the girls they get in bed with you and turn on “You’ve Got Mail” on the TV, and they have a verbal stoning of the manhood which once was your boyfriend. He is now a pathetic loser, who totally hit on Lexi that one time… meanwhile, when you get back together this conversation will lay dormant in everyone’s minds and the girls will be oohing and aahhhing over the picture of him holding his little three year old niece.

Taking advice from guys about guys is equally entertaining. You never have the chance to really wallow in it the way you had hoped to. “Give the guy a break, he’s just trying to live his life. Chill out a bit and just like, know he loves you? Pass your sandwich, I want a bite.” DONE. That is everything he is going to say on the subject until you bring it up again which will have to get past at least two attempts on his part to dodge the conversation starter. No wonder you guys just sit there all the time saying, “huh?” It’s because you really and truly aren’t. Thinking. About. Anything.

Unfortunately when you go to your girlfriends for advice about love, you are basically going to be taken through a complex map of emotions and timelines and names and places from her life. It’s all there to help you find the path you need to get on. But none of it has to do with you, or the situation you’re dealing with. When you go to your guy friends.. well, they kind of like the idea that this current dude is fucking up his chance with you because that leaves it open for you to get wasted while crying about the demise of this five week relationship and end up in his bed with his comforting arms around you. Naked.

When you date in LA, everyone falls into a category and we start judging each other from that point on.

Don’t date models- Obviously they’re slightly boring, and the only opinions they have tend to be directly related to fashion, gossip, and their own dwindling status. Obviously wonderful to look at and show up somewhere with, but no one has it all. Sometimes when you’re a twelve on the outside, there’s a good chance you’re rockin a three on the inside. But some people just throw those numbers together and they’re pretty excited about getting a fifteen. Don’t forget that in twenty years when their beauty is warmer, softer, the glow of motherhood, no longer that bolt of light when she walks into the room, when the model is fading, she still probably only has that three inside.

Don’t Date Musicians- Well, duh. They are hot messes. All of them. The ones with any talent at least. If you are a talented musician and you play an instrument well, and have stayed up all night in a studio forgetting there is a world attached to it, you are a hot mess. Tortured. Insecure. Terrified. Yeah, you guys are awful. So easy to fall in love with because our instinct is to nurture you little wounded birds who just need a strong woman to show you how be loved properly. But that’s not what you want. You want to stay a lonely bachelor, writing songs about love, but looking for it in the girls who have a three on their heart. Or a fifteen, depending on how you want to look at it.

Don’t date actors- They love to talk about things that almost happened to them. They almost got this part, they almost got this agent, they almost made enough money to keep their SAG insurance. Whenever you’re talking they have a constant inner monologue going of what they would say if Martin Scorsese walked in the door. They love to talk about their “craft” when in fact they would take a job on The CW in a hot minute of they thought it would get them closer to being in a small corner of US Weekly. Anyone who they refer to as their “scene partner” is just someone that they are cheating on you with.

It felt good to get that out. But don’t listen to what I have to say, I’m just projecting my stuff onto you. It’s all I know how to do.

I personally love giving out advice. I always think that I might have something special to offer on the topic. Something that if said just right will make my friend hold her hands up, slam them down on the table, and say, “holy shit erin. That is EXACTLY what I should do!”. I know its fleeting, I know I’m pulling from my own experiences, but I can’t stop. Recently a friend and I had dinner with her boyfriend. They’ve been having a rough time and I’ve been really frustrated with how he’s handled it. As soon as he ordered his steak, I laid into him. I pointed my finger at him, and at my friend, back and forth. And I yelled at him. He silently gulped his vodka on the rocks and simultaneously motioning to the waitress to keep em coming. He started eating the steak, but I had abandoned the need to eat. I just kept talking, and giving him ultimatums when he isn’t even MY boyfriend. The next day my forgiving friend said to me, “You were really harsh on him last night. You took it too far. Why did you need to do that?” I felt terrible. I knew I took it too far. I felt so passionate about him doing her wrong, taking her for granted, missing his opportunity to be with her. I really thought I had enlightening things to say on the subject. But I can admit for sure, that my advice was contaminated with my own shit. I wanted to shake him and tell him to stop taking her for granted, because if he pushes her enough she will stop taking it at some point. Why that was so important to me, I don’t know. I think I made him suffer for the wrongs that have been done to me in the past. No one is going to stop dating someone because I have a negative opinion of them. It’s just uninformed advice. And now her boyfriend doesn’t particularly like me. Fair enough.

I’ll probably end up with a Model turned Actor/Musician now.