So, there are two parts to finding someone that you want to date; there is chemistry and having things in common. Both are equally important and one doesn’t really do the job without the other. Its finding the perfect combination of the two and sometimes when you get one without the other, you really feel screwed. If I could have one special power, I honestly think I would choose to have great chemistry with someone who would make a great partner. It seems like we always have the best chemistry, that feeling in your gut when they walk into the room, that magnetic pull to put your face on their face all the time… That chemistry is rarely with the person that your parents love. It’s never with the person who is dependable and reliable and consistent. Sometimes it’s with the person who’s with someone else, or the person who everyone hates, or the person who rejects you, or won’t commit to you, or who is always up to something you can’t quite figure out.

Now, I believe in science. I believe there are explanations for mostly everything. I believe we’re built for the best survival. So you tell me, where the eff is that part of the plan? Sometimes there is a person in front of you who is ready to offer you everything that you are supposed to want. They are successful and nice and smart and interesting and kind and understanding and patient and would make a great parent and every time you kiss them you start thinking about who Liz Lemon will date next since she broke up with Carole and if you should keep using bottled water to make coffee even though its really a waste. Totally important subjects, but not the right time to be dealing with them. And you can try to block it out, remind yourself how perfect the person is. How a life with them is everything you’ve always wanted. But in your heart you know it ain’t right. You aren’t willing to live without the chemistry! So, what’s the glitch here? What’s the point of this? I believe we have these innate instincts that get us to where we need to go, and sometimes they don’t match up. For instance, it is widely known unless you haven’t been to sixth grade, that men are programmed to want to spread their seed to as many curvy hips as they can get their hands on and women are programmed to find one good mate who will provide for the rest of her and her fat little kids lives. Well I’m seeing a problem here. So I want to mate with you for life and be the only shorty on your speed dial while you’re looking over my shoulder for the next pair of big boobs that you can motorboat. Whether you believe in science or God or both, there is someone you should be looking to and asking WTF?! They say compromise is the key to a good relationship, but if we’re supposed to compromise the kind of life that makes sense to us, that is a lot of compromising!

Sometimes I feel like the kid in the youtube video asking “Is this real life?”. He’s scared and confused and nothing makes sense. Also sometimes I feel like the kid in the “Charlie bit me” video. Its like I keep putting my finger in and then seem surprised when it hurts me. When will I stop?! I really relate to kids on youtube.

The weird thing about this rant is that I seem so preoccupied with figuring out relationships and the point of them, when the truth is that I don’t even want to be in one. Nothing gives you perspective like being alone. Sometimes I think we are our best when we’re single. I know I am for sure. I never would have started a blog if I was in a relationship. There’s something about not having someone you need to run your choices by, or who witnesses you every day. It makes you spontaneous and willing to embarrass yourself more. Relationships can put you in this holding pattern where you’re both expected to act the same day to day, and anytime you deviate from that you have to explain yourself. Pretty soon, instead of explaining yourself all the time you just stop putting yourself out there. At least that’s what I’ve done in the past. The only people I answer to are my family, and they see the best in me before anything else. Those are expectations I can live up to. Okay, this is getting more personal than broad for people to relate to and that makes me uncomfortable; so let me get back to the point. Maybe the conventional way we think things need to be, aren’t what we have to be striving for. I’m not saying there aren’t happily married couples out there. It definitely works sometimes. I’m just saying if you haven’t figured it out yet, its not because you’re just a total lost cause, its just because its really really hard. Its hard to make it work, make it last, keep laughing, keep wanting to hump the person you wake up next to, stay in love, stay forgiving. So, if it’s so freaking hard, then why is that the thing that’s supposed to bring us the most fulfillment in life? Do I sound bitter? Not my intention. I’m actually scared of how happy I am without all this mess. At a certain point when life works so well on your own, you stop craving the chaos that comes with being in love. Basically, I’m dead inside. And maybe tomorrow I’ll change my tune and will have fallen hopelessly in love and will tell you that I was definitely wrong about everything. And that’s okay. I hope I do. And I’ll look back and say, gawd I was so cynical! And I wrote in on a public blog for people to see! What’s wrong with me?!  But you have to take pride in the moments when you can admit that you just don’t have it all figured out. Also, I know that I always have the option of just being a lesbian. I would have those girls wrapped around my finger and finally wouldn’t have to pretend to be interesting in watching The Wire.

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