Catherine Lacey

Every day is a chance to be better, to evolve. Every year that we get older is an opportunity to let go of the things that hold us back, feel more comfortable in our own skin, and be able to laugh at ourselves in a way we couldn’t before. It’s so easy to focus on what we don’t have, when the trick to happiness is appreciating what we do have.

However, today isn’t one of those days. Today I’ve made a list of the things I wish for when I’m feeling unsatisfied and shallow and think these things would definitely make me better.

Wouldn’t it be so cool if I:

Had an English accent


Was a professional stunt driver

Drove a 1970 Navy Blue Chevelle

Was scandalous and manipulative

Had never read a gossip magazine

Still had a Motorola flip phone

Played piano

Spoke Mandarin

Didn’t have abandonment issues

Could name all the capitals in Europe

Or the United States

Never wore make-up

Never checked my text messages

Only dated black guys

Hung out at comic book stores

Worked at the Mac Genius Bar

Recorded an answering machine that tricked you into thinking I had answered the phone

Was only attracted to really nerdy guys who are also poor (wait, that wouldn’t be cool at all)

Didn’t constantly fish for compliments

Was left handed

Only put weight on in my boobs

Could communicate with animals

Refused to write without a calligraphy pen

Traveled to places I didn’t know anything about

Had a wild and crazy past that intimidated suitors

Cursed on twitter (I did it once and felt really ashamed)

Paid any attention to photos that don’t have me in them

Gave everyone fun nicknames

Had self control around chocolate

Was nice in response to someone being bitchy (never gonna happen)

Wasn’t rapidly turning into my mother

Actually my mom’s great. Scratch that. Sorry mom! (she’s an avid reader of the blog)

Didn’t turn bright red every time I’m remotely embarrassed

Made the first moves on a guy

Was named Murtle but somehow made it seem sexy

Believed in Santa Claus

Argued that I don’t believe in Gravity

Accepted my fate and bought some cats

I could go on forever, but I won’t. I’ve already been told my posts are too long. But seriously, I know we’re supposed to love ourselves as we are blah blah, but if you’re having a hard time with that then just make a stupid list like this one I made.