Walking into a social setting can immediately magnify everything you are self conscious about. When you’re by yourself you think about things you want to be thinking about, and you suck in when you walk past the mirror, and you move at the pace you want to be moving at. Then you walk into a party and suddenly you’re thrown into a land mine of unpredictable scenarios. Clearly I will use my own experiences of embarrassment as examples. There was a birthday party this weekend that I went to. There was a guy there who always makes me nervous when I see him. It’s not that I’m in love with him, its just that he ignites this really nerdy part of me that thinks he’s super cool and fantastic and I really want him to think I’m super cool and fantastic too. So whenever I see him I assume it’s obvious that I’m dying to do something that will make him laugh or say he wants to follow me on twitter. So, on Saturday when he saw me and walked up to say hi to me, the words that came out of my mouth were, “Who invited you?!”. Yes. That is what I said. I think I actually made a face of surprise after I said it because I had no idea why that’s what I chose to say! And I didn’t even know what it meant! Like this was MY party or something?! Like I was annoyed to see him?! What the hell was I thinking? And of course he looked at me like his feelings were hurt. He looked at me like he needed to explain to me who invited him. I didn’t even at that point say, “Oh my god, I’m kidding!”. I just let it hover there between us while he shrugged his shoulders and walked away. That was how I handled that situation. I’m twenty eight and when I see someone who intimidates me I basically run up to them, hit them, and run away, looking back to see if they’re paying attention or coming after me. I mean, really Erin??? 

I envy people who are in control of their emotions or reactions. The ones who see an ex and politely shake the hand of their new girlfriend and say, “It’s so nice to meet you” with a smile that seems so sincere that they walk away thinking what a class act she is. Meanwhile I tend to either make my insecurity known by blushing, fake laughing, and then walking away, or apparently by just rudely snapping at them. Then of course if I’m having an ON day and I’m just feeling good and making great first impressions left and right and I’m just on fire and a friend looks at me like, “How do you do that?” I’ve immediately abandoned the awkward girl in me and don’t remember she ever existed… “Oh, I’m just a people person ya know? I’m just super comfortable in my own skin”. And I mean it when I say that. I assume my neurotic alter ego “Rita” is gone forever and the new me is just as cool as a cucumber (ugh, cool as a cucumber? That’s totally something that nerdy Rita would say!). 

Can anyone love both Rita AND Isis?! (Isis is what my name would be if I was super cool)

If you’re still with me after this post, you are the real deal.

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