I’m gonna give you an emoticon breakdown. Our parents think that emoticons are a one dimensional thing with no hidden messages behind them. They take em at face value let’s say (pun intended, obvs). Now, I’m aware I’m getting a little old to be doing the whole, “Mooooooooooom, its so embarrassing when you say ‘I twittybirded someone today!'” And please stop poking me on facebook, that’s not even funny. Poking is reserved for aspiring rapists” thing, but I need this so just let me have it.

The point is, I’m giving a breakdown of the language of emoticons. An emoticon breakdown if you will. Breaking down emoticons. Breaking barriers on the internet basically.

First up we have…

→ NerdyFace: Used for humblebrags. It’s often used when you’re trying to seem nerdy, but you’re actually just covering your bases for trying to seem cool. Example; “Can’t hang tonight, I’m going to the Hangover 2 premiere. Red carpet starts at 6:30 (nerdface)”. No one believes you think its nerdy to be there. Its nerdy to give such unnecessary specifics in order to brag. Nerds are the winners in life which is why they uphold the most respect as far as emoticon awards go. So, use him properly, like, “Just enrolled at Wharton business school because I feel like Yale didn’t prepare me enough for how much work I want to spend my time doing in the next 30 years (NerdyFace)”

→ AngelFace: Used when you’ve done something bad and want the innocence of angelface to spare you judgment. Example; ” I’m so drunk, I think I’m hitting on your boyfriend! (angelface)”. You are taking full advantage of this sweet emoticon and basically throwing her under the bus, like “but she was here. See? we’re all good babe”. No babe, we’re not. AngelFace should be reserved for this example: “Hey honey, if you walk outside there’s fifty dozen roses lining your driveway and your name spelled out in candle wax. Just wanted to make this a special Thursday (AngelFace)”. See how deserving that was? And where is that guy, by the way?

→ EyeLashesFace: This face is flirty and can be used for that if used right. Well, first off a guy shouldn’t flirt using this emoticon because its a female batting her eyelashes. If you’re a guy and you use it, I hope you have a great sense of humor. If not, people definitely tell other people you’re gay. Anyway, it can be used like this example “I had a really fun time last night too. That make-out was pretty HOT (EyelashesFace)”. If you’re gonna be bold and reference something being hot, follow it up with something cute and flirty so he doesn’t think the next text is gonna be an attachment of a video of a girl socking a guy in his b***s (balls) and asking if he wants to try that next time. Actually adding the cute face might help him recover, but it won’t stop him from throwing his phone out the window once he sees the video. Its clear this emoticon is harder for me to analyze since I’m so close to it.

→ Heart: No face, just straight up heart. This can be a great way to stay connected to your loved ones without calling them, or even needing to type a word. Sending that little red heart says “I’m thinking about you right now in my meeting, and loving things are things i feel towards you”. The heart is also a great way to dodge someone texting that they love you. Not heart you, LOVE you. This is the stuff Shakespeare would have blogged about. Its delicate business. But first off, anyone who says they love you via text, is a little iffy on the whole thing anyway. They’re just inchin out there to see what’s on the other side. Its not really worthy of a thought out response to begin with. When someone texts me “I love you” or “Love you” and I’m not ready to say it back, I respond straight up Heart. No words needed. The visual of a heart dissipates anger and feelings of rejection. They start to tell themselves that sending a heart was a big step for you. That its the symbol of love. That its basically saying the same thing back. Its even red. Its a winning emoticon all around. A real problem solver.

This was a lot of information that’s forcing you to analyze a lot of your texting etiquette, so I’m gonna wrap it up and bring some more in a part 2.