I’m co-dependent. Not in the normal way that I can’t be alone. I really like being alone, I think that’s when I discover all of my favorite things. With no distractions, I look around my room for things to do. I put my itunes on shuffle, hope it avoids my old “NOW 8,9,and 10” cd’s and go hunting for weird things to get into. There is always something for me to find and get lost in. Maybe its a book, or organizing, or fantasizing, or hanging out naked just to see what it feels like. Occasionally I even leave my house.

So, here I am in the middle of something that I’m enjoying and the phone rings. Time stands still while I stress over the decision of whether or not I’ll let the person calling pull me out of my current loner heaven. The phone always wins. Not because I love to talk to people, but because I don’t know how to check out. I don’t know how to separate myself from the people I care about. I don’t know how to say I’m unavailable. I feel like it’s my duty to be there for everyone. Not because I’m such a good person, that’s not it. I just can’t kick the feeling that I owe everyone in my life my time and energy and availability. The guilt is so heavy and I’m the only one who puts it in place. I’m the person who drives you to the airport, and waits on hold for seven minutes, and answers the phone in the middle of a movie, and goes to the restaurant you want to go to, and commits to something I can’t fit in without sacrificing something of my own. It’s a form of selfishness actually. I do it because it makes me feel good. It’s a way for me to not ever have to focus on myself and my own mistakes and the things I haven’t accomplished and the things I need to confront. It’s so much easier for me to focus on you. And there are repercussions for everyone. I get resentful of you for letting me do it. But I don’t know how to stop either. I’m addicted to being there for people. The idea of turning down a lunch or an airport run sends me into a panic. My fear is that by saying no I’m saying that what I have to do is more important than being there for you, and I don’t know how to stand my ground on that stance.

The result is that by the end of the day, the only thing I have to show is how I’ve helped everyone around me make sure their day was productive. When someone asks me what’s happening with me I literally say things like, “Sara had a baby! Jordan moved to London! My dad is getting married again!” Once I hear myself out loud I realize how I sound and slowly retreat away from the person in hopes that they will forget they ran into me and unfriend me on Facebook. I’m like a personal assistant who doesn’t get paid. A life intern. Pushing thirty. Oh my god, am I really going to publish this post and let you read it? Yeah, I am and you know why? Because it’s time to stop. Or start. It doesn’t even work by the way. Everyone gets so used to you being there that they aren’t even appreciative when you are. It’s just expected. “Get a life” has never applied to someone more than ME!” BRB, gotta go babysit my niece while my sister gets her hair done.

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