So, someone e-mailed me about how to make their online dating profile not seem lame. Ok fine, it was a fan. A full blown FAN of mine who wrote me! Can you believe it? I know, I was pretty excited too. If you want me to send you the compliments she gave me, just let me know. Anyway, when I read it I realized that must be a very daunting thing to do. It’s like, you want to meet someone, and you’re torn between knowing that genuine couples have met online, but people have also shown up at a restaurant to find Ben the “athletic college student studying to be a paramedic” is really a sixty year old sex offender who isn’t allowed near elementary schools. I guess I can’t help you weed out the creeps, but I can certainly give you input on how to make your profile look.

If I’m being honest with you, I’ve never been on any dating site before. But for this post, I have gone onto Match.Com and am creating a profile so that I can see what type of questions they ask. I’m going to fill it out exactly as I would if I were wanting to put myself on here. Which I never would cause its fucking embarrassing. Just kidding. I support you.

I chose the username Regina Filangi because that was always Phoebe’s fake name on Friends.

Okay, first important question that came up is if you want to display your astrological sign or not. Obviously I’m going with NOT. Anyone with their sign next to their name is annoying, and especially a GUY with that! No. No. No.

Okay next up is selecting your body type. This list is pretty entertaining. I’m going to say that you can put “Slender” or “curvy” and anything else on here is unflattering and not the way you want to make a first impression. I mean, are you really going to put “stocky”?

Obviously be honest about your race, it would be super weird not to. When it comes to religious faith, again be real. I would personally not add that onto my profile because it isn’t something that’s important to me and I don’t subscribe to any religion, but if its important to you then put it down now before you’re pregnant and arguing over if your kid will be circumcised or not. Same goes for political views, although I will say that choosing “middle of the road” looks quite attractive to me. It says, “I’m open to hear what you have to say on the topic”.

Okay, we’re at “how often do you exercise?” Now I personally barely get out of bed to check my mail, but I would put that i at least work out once a week. I don’t want to attract someone as lazy as me. Who would get up to turn the lights off? If anyone puts that they exercise five or more times a week I would never go on a date with them. That’s the type of person who always wears shorts and runs marathons on the weekends for fun. Get a life.

Whoa. “Current annual income?” Girls shouldn’t have to fill this out. Who cares how much we make? We make however much money we plan on taking from you, so we hope you make a lot.

Under “What Do You Do For A Living?” They are all legit and acceptable, but “Self-Employed/Entrepreneur” which basically either means “Out of work actor/waiter at Cheesecake Factory” or “Livin With Mom”.

Ugh, filling this out is taking a long time. I’m getting bored. It’s good to know that whoever filled one of these out, really wants to meet someone. I mean, rape someone.

Okay, “What Are Some Of Your Favorite Local Spots?” I would be careful being too specific. See, I really like the coffee at Urth Cafe, but its so trendy and embarrassing that I would judge someone else for putting it down. And if you put down a club or bar, just know that you sound like a slut.

I think this is cute. I like the check list of things you’d like to do with someone, cause it gives an idea for a good date. And if you wrote “wine tasting” on your own you would seem pretentious and annoying, but in a check list it just seems very sophisticated and mature of you. I’m loving the check list. Also, you obviously can’t check “Nightclubs/Dancing”. I mean you can, but like stop reading my blog.

“What’s The Last Thing You Read?” Okay, if you haven’t picked up a book since it was on a summer reading list, then this is where I would start lying. Just put down the last movie you saw that you heard was a book once.

Whoa. You can narrow down which ethnicity you want your guy to be? How racist would you look if your friends saw that you put Blue eyed Caucasian?! Or what if you just randomly only wanted a Pacific Islander?

This is the most important thing I’ve seen so far. How the hell do you create a 140 word headline for trying to find your life mate?! This is intimidating. Honestly, I wouldn’t make it too serious. Keep it light. Or just Google the top ten best tweets and steal someones. Everyone likes a girl who can be clever. Just please don’t put something like, “I’m just searching for that person I can enjoy a sunset with”.

Here are the rules for your picture.
– Nothing where you’re holding alcohol in your hand, you lush.
– Nothing where you’re doing that pose with your arm out so it looks thin. It’s super obvious.
– Laughing pics are good.
– Silly pics are GREAT. Show’s you don’t take yourself too seriously and that’s the best way to find someone who is the same.
– Be real. Don’t put a picture that is five years old. Or a picture that everyone says is really good and looks nothing like you. You are good looking enough to find true love no matter who you are. That’s the truth. That guy in Mexico who holds the record for being the fattest person alive has a wife. You’re fine.

Okay, I’ve finished filling out my first online dating profile and I’m still alive. This is a good sign for you. I think the goal is to show your true self, show that you’re nervous to be doing it, that you’re open to anything even though it’s a bit out of your comfort zone, and show that even though you take the process seriously you aren’t taking yourself too seriously. No need for a stranger who’s browsing through your profile to know anything too personal about you. If they want to know where you see yourself in five years then they can ask you while they’re buying you dinner in person.