I wrote a post listing some chicks I’m not happy for and I have another one to add to the list.
I’m not sure who Jessica Alba thinks she’s fooling, but this is not what a body looks like after you’ve pushed two normal sized children out, in the last four years. I’d officially like to start the rumor that she paid her house keeper to carry her children.
This type of body is reserved for Victoria Secret robots and the reason why I’m not jealous of any of them is because when they open their mouths to try speaking English it sounds like they’re coming off of a big dose of Anesthesia. None of the vowels work, and the more they talk the better I look next to them.
That being said, Jessica has a normal voice. And I’m pretty sure she speaks Spanish also. I speak only English, and no matter how many spray tans I ever polluted my body with, I could never have that olive skin she flaunts in my face.
I’d bet your first born this chick never went through an awkward phase in her teen years. (I’d never bet MY first born on anything, I’m not a maniac)
Fuck this shit.
Down with Alba.
Totally Confident And Completely Insecure 
She’s also one of those chicks who claims she was “a total nerd” in high school. Who do celebrities think they’re kidding?
Hahahaha. Oh Erin, how you make me laugh.
for a famous blogger this post is insanely controversial. you’ve just put down people who exercise and keep themselves in tiptop shape, speakers of English as a second-language and don’t have a pure accent, housekeepers’ dignity, beautiful people (funny because you’re one of those people people would think never had an awkward phase)…
I can’t imagine publishing something like this to the world, then bumping into actual Victoria Secret models at events, or Jessica Alba at a special dinner party.
I like your videos and blog. Just saying.
thanks because I am an english-second-languaje girl and I wanted to say just what you said.
I agree with you (im the girl who jus replied Yaay to your twitter post about this blog). She is insanely beautiful. Though, I’ve never been much of a hater on her. I just wish I could like her. Ever since I saw her Honey, she has just been amazing to me.
HILLARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s all clearly sarcastic. Calm down.
Side note: I agree in all ways possible.
You’re killin’ me! Funny and true!! I love it!
Amy, it’s humorous sarcasm. No actually believes that Jessica Alba paid her housekeeper to carry her children.
Actually, I’m pretty sure Jessica Alba DOESN’T speak Spanish. She’s pretty public about how “un-Latina” she is and how her parents didn’t teach her Spanish when she was growing up and how she wanted to take lessons so that she can learn it and then teach her kids. So while she may have a rockin’ bod, she’s most likely not bilingual…so there’s that!
She has touted this strict food delivery service and detailed her “diet” plan is basically not eating anything; celebrities talk about “being healthy” but it’s not at all. And it give young girls a very unrealistic expectation of their bodies since they likely don’t have access to said pricey foo delivery service or the luxury of working our 4 hours a day. And I’m 99.99% sure she was being facetious about the Spanish.
It’s called bitching, we all do it…pretty sure Mrs. Alba does too…not controversial at all just sarcastic and bitter ;). If I was that perfect and someone hated me for it, I would be flattered!
Amy! I am pretty sure Jessica Alba is Erins friend. So am sure they’ll bump into each other sooner rather than later!
Hahah I agree 100%. So unfair.
So jealous.
Hilarious! Although i don’t believe you had an awkward phase either Foster. But thanks for keeping it relatable!
Well, I can honestly say that my post-beach tan is the loveliest shade of red. And it’s a hit, I always get a lot of people staring. So I’m not jealous at all of Alba’s olive skin.
Anyway, awesome post, Erin.
Thanks! This was funny. Love it lots!!!
omg you’re pretty jeaulous 😉
you´re a person full of envy and you focus in material thiings, not good 😦
God some people have no sense of humour! And by some people, I mean Mary and Amy.
Thanks Cassandra, you bitch. Lol.
I get the bitching humour. But just thought it was a bit over-done. I was just thinking for actual housekeepers and English speakers as a second language, and found it odd to read.
I’m guessing Mary has seen hate-posts before and thought this was one of them.
I thought you were smarter, i mean, you are a cute, beautiful girl, i know you for pics and you are pretty enough, so is this for real? you need to envy every single girl what you see?? so this is the most important for a girl, have a perfect body and a good tan? sorry girl you are wrong, this time your blog don´t make me happy! is full of insecurities and stupid comments, hope girls one time stop talking about how other girls look like, and start to talk other important things that happen in the world, like the hunger and the violence, thanks!
Mary, people can talk about whatever they want to talk about, stop trying to control everyone and just accept the fact that not everyone is as serious as you. We don’t all want to focus on depressing things 24/7 like hunger & violence, sometimes people who actually have a sense of humour like to make jokes.
Hilarious stuff! I gotta say I really like your writing, it brings out the laughs and other times, a more thoughtful reflection. It’s all around great and always really enjoyable read. Keep it up!
PS: reading some of the comments, I see Santa failed to bring a sense of humor to some people…
If you think Jessica Alba is too skinny, you are probably fat and jealous. Maybe you live in Ohio. I don’t know you, so I can only imagine. She looks healthy and amazing, and that is the point of the sarcasm here people, go spread your naive and negative rantings else where, this chick is hilarious.
-I do have to agree on the Victoria’s secret ads though, lets be honest, they are 100 times better silent. Like the Disney characters at Disney world, they need to keep quiet to preserve the magic.
Get a life everyone!
I agree! She wrote what many people think, with no intentional slander/libel. Take a joke!
The comments here are way hilarious than the blog itself. chill the fuck out people. hahahaha
yeah relax everybody. they’re probably friends…. lighten up.
Psshhh I’m only half white and no matter what I do I can’t have her awesome skin tone either, so don’t feel bad and I second the motion that someone had her kids..where are those stretch marks?????
anyone who is offended by anything said on this blog is retarded. hands down.
This post just made my life. Thank you for posting the thoughts right out of my head.