So, someone e-mailed me about how to make their online dating profile not seem lame. Ok fine, it was a fan. A full blown FAN of mine who wrote me! Can you believe it? I know, I was pretty excited too. If you want me to send you the compliments she gave me, just let me know. Anyway, when I read it I realized that must be a very daunting thing to do. It’s like, you want to meet someone, and you’re torn between knowing that genuine couples have met online, but people have also shown up at a restaurant to find Ben the “athletic college student studying to be a paramedic” is really a sixty year old sex offender who isn’t allowed near elementary schools. I guess I can’t help you weed out the creeps, but I can certainly give you input on how to make your profile look.
If I’m being honest with you, I’ve never been on any dating site before. But for this post, I have gone onto Match.Com and am creating a profile so that I can see what type of questions they ask. I’m going to fill it out exactly as I would if I were wanting to put myself on here. Which I never would cause its fucking embarrassing. Just kidding. I support you.
I chose the username Regina Filangi because that was always Phoebe’s fake name on Friends.
Okay, first important question that came up is if you want to display your astrological sign or not. Obviously I’m going with NOT. Anyone with their sign next to their name is annoying, and especially a GUY with that! No. No. No.
Okay next up is selecting your body type. This list is pretty entertaining. I’m going to say that you can put “Slender” or “curvy” and anything else on here is unflattering and not the way you want to make a first impression. I mean, are you really going to put “stocky”?
Obviously be honest about your race, it would be super weird not to. When it comes to religious faith, again be real. I would personally not add that onto my profile because it isn’t something that’s important to me and I don’t subscribe to any religion, but if its important to you then put it down now before you’re pregnant and arguing over if your kid will be circumcised or not. Same goes for political views, although I will say that choosing “middle of the road” looks quite attractive to me. It says, “I’m open to hear what you have to say on the topic”.
Okay, we’re at “how often do you exercise?” Now I personally barely get out of bed to check my mail, but I would put that i at least work out once a week. I don’t want to attract someone as lazy as me. Who would get up to turn the lights off? If anyone puts that they exercise five or more times a week I would never go on a date with them. That’s the type of person who always wears shorts and runs marathons on the weekends for fun. Get a life.
Whoa. “Current annual income?” Girls shouldn’t have to fill this out. Who cares how much we make? We make however much money we plan on taking from you, so we hope you make a lot.
Under “What Do You Do For A Living?” They are all legit and acceptable, but “Self-Employed/Entrepreneur” which basically either means “Out of work actor/waiter at Cheesecake Factory” or “Livin With Mom”.
Ugh, filling this out is taking a long time. I’m getting bored. It’s good to know that whoever filled one of these out, really wants to meet someone. I mean, rape someone.
Okay, “What Are Some Of Your Favorite Local Spots?” I would be careful being too specific. See, I really like the coffee at Urth Cafe, but its so trendy and embarrassing that I would judge someone else for putting it down. And if you put down a club or bar, just know that you sound like a slut.
I think this is cute. I like the check list of things you’d like to do with someone, cause it gives an idea for a good date. And if you wrote “wine tasting” on your own you would seem pretentious and annoying, but in a check list it just seems very sophisticated and mature of you. I’m loving the check list. Also, you obviously can’t check “Nightclubs/Dancing”. I mean you can, but like stop reading my blog.
“What’s The Last Thing You Read?” Okay, if you haven’t picked up a book since it was on a summer reading list, then this is where I would start lying. Just put down the last movie you saw that you heard was a book once.
Whoa. You can narrow down which ethnicity you want your guy to be? How racist would you look if your friends saw that you put Blue eyed Caucasian?! Or what if you just randomly only wanted a Pacific Islander?
This is the most important thing I’ve seen so far. How the hell do you create a 140 word headline for trying to find your life mate?! This is intimidating. Honestly, I wouldn’t make it too serious. Keep it light. Or just Google the top ten best tweets and steal someones. Everyone likes a girl who can be clever. Just please don’t put something like, “I’m just searching for that person I can enjoy a sunset with”.
Here are the rules for your picture.
– Nothing where you’re holding alcohol in your hand, you lush.
– Nothing where you’re doing that pose with your arm out so it looks thin. It’s super obvious.
– Laughing pics are good.
– Silly pics are GREAT. Show’s you don’t take yourself too seriously and that’s the best way to find someone who is the same.
– Be real. Don’t put a picture that is five years old. Or a picture that everyone says is really good and looks nothing like you. You are good looking enough to find true love no matter who you are. That’s the truth. That guy in Mexico who holds the record for being the fattest person alive has a wife. You’re fine.
Okay, I’ve finished filling out my first online dating profile and I’m still alive. This is a good sign for you. I think the goal is to show your true self, show that you’re nervous to be doing it, that you’re open to anything even though it’s a bit out of your comfort zone, and show that even though you take the process seriously you aren’t taking yourself too seriously. No need for a stranger who’s browsing through your profile to know anything too personal about you. If they want to know where you see yourself in five years then they can ask you while they’re buying you dinner in person.
wow. this is hilarious. everyone at work is staring at me bc i’m laughing so much. will you give me a job if i get fired for it? you are AMAZING!
— If anyone puts that they exercise five or more times a week I would never go on a date with them. That’s the type of person who always wears shorts and runs marathons on the weekends for fun. Get a life.
—And if you put down a club or bar, just know that you sound like a slut.
—Also, you obviously can’t check “Nightclubs/Dancing”. I mean you can, but like stop reading my blog.
YOU MAD HILARIOUS HILARIOUS!
But I think you missed something important about ” the rules for your picture”….what about any girls photos all over the internet with the fish face?
Btw I love reading what you wrote!You’re a smart girl and you have a good sense of humor! This is definitely something to be proud of!! 🙂
Keep writing good stuff!! ….One of your italian followers 😉
Thanks for this, I haven’t seen any actual layouts like this since I got married in 1999. Most of my friends waited until their lives were grown-up to think about the big hook-up, so now people are trying this out and it blows my mind. I met my hubby working a summer at Glacier National Park after college. OLD SCHOOL. Screen shots are priceless, as are candid stories of life without kids…oh wait the early-riser has come to be my little man! Bye single folks!
I’m not sure it’s even worth my time to respond to this — I’ve tried to read your stuff a couple times and always found it troublingly misogynistic, and being a woman that’s really annoying especially for someone who’s reading the ‘Single Girls Guide’ — but two very important points, please note: DON’T JOKE ABOUT RAPE. If it hasn’t happened to you what do you know anyway, but it’s nothing to make light of. Anyone taking advantage of anyone else is not a good thing. And ‘girls shouldn’t have to say how much they make, we make however much we plan on taking from you…’ I’m speechless. Who wouldn’t want to make it the easy way, but what if you, as a young woman are also on a tough but challenging and satisfying career path ? Or are just thinking equality might be a cool thing to hope for? I get it that you’re trying to be light and supportive, but PLEASE broaden your perspective and maybe think/edit before you print. Thanks — mcm (And good luck on your hunt for the right man…)
Jesus ‘mcm’. No-one forces to you read Erin’s stuff. Don’t like it? Don’t read it. Really, it’s that simple. Now, go take that stick out of your arse!
Conversation I seem to have daily with a friend of mine on one of these sites, ha: “I’m going to fill it out exactly as I would if I were wanting to put myself on here. Which I never would cause its fucking embarrassing. Just kidding. I support you.”
I honestly love everything you write!! Thank you for making my day (once again)
LOL
I would definitely date u
Erin, I think you are a witty, insightful, honest writer, and I appreciate the perspective you share in your posts. I can relate to so many things over which you muse and speculate, and as a newly single girl, I appreciate the laughter and encouragement. Keeping that in mind, and knowing that this Match post is humorous/sarcastic, I do want to say that I was taken aback by your comment, “Or what if you just randomly only wanted a Pacific Islander?” It isn’t random to me (that is my preference), but aside from even that, I felt like it was stated as something laughable; while I believe I get the intent (it’s funny how specific our preferences/demands can be), I wonder if you have the idea that your audience is predominantly white, or prefer white men, so that preferring a seemingly random race seems amusing. I’m hoping no one will yell at me for voicing this concern, because I really do enjoy your writing – when I discovered your blog last month, I read all the way back to your first entry in one sitting! I simply felt disappointed at this particular joke, mostly because of the word “random” as though it was so obviously a consideration we wouldn’t make, and there’s nothing random about it to a Pacific Islander fan of yours.
Love this! Hysterical!!
I think this is my favourite post to date.
You’re one of my favorite writers on Hellogiggles and the reason I refresh the page frantically for new posts. I’m so glad I came to your blog. This may be my favorite post. There was rarely a part of this where I wasn’t laughing ridiculously hard. This is absolutely brilliant. Thank you so much for making my day with this.
I’ve recently started a blog, the information you provide on this site has helped me greatly. Thank you for all of your time & work.
This is awesome!! LOL the entire time. You rock! Keep writing!!